I’m 3 weeks on from losing my beloved Dad who was 92 (I’m 62 and an only child). Diagnosed with Alzheimer’s 2 years ago he had managed to live fairly independently until April when he became unwell with a series of infections. After visiting and watching him deteriorating over 4 months my initial reaction was relief he was no longer suffering and grateful for a life well Iived. But now comes the sadness as even though I had been losing him bit by bit over the last few years it’s so final now. And as I read elsewhere, the only person in the world (apart from my mum who died 25yrs ago) who loved me unconditionally is no longer here. My go to person who it seemed had an encyclopaedic knowledge of all things, gave wise counsel and taught me to drive with unending patience is now just a memory. I know in time the pain will ease but it’s hard. My heart goes out to all those who are grieving their last parent.

<p>Thank you Tricia for yet another very interesting and relevant blog. We never think we a going to get ‘old’ I’m 77 and certainly don’t think I’m ‘elderly’ but of course that’s what we are called! I lost my Mum and Dad when I was 41 and 47 - both with very little fuss (of course then I was devastated) but now I feel so sad for people in the 70s looking after parents in their 90s. Like you say it is something that is likely to happen more often and it is important to try and write your wishes down etc to make everything easier for our children. I remember with fondness my mother having great respect for Ghandis words - very true x</p>

<p>A very interesting subject which rings true with me. My father is 94 now (I am now 64) and recently has moved to a care home after a spell in hospital. Prior to that he lived independently. I had taken him food shopping weekly for the last few years but by the end of last year was doing more and more and having almost daily calls from him. I certainly felt like his mother rather than daughter. After two weeks in hospital he became so confused and was so unwell that he couldn't go home without full time care. After five months of being looked after he is much better but not very happy even though it is a lovely care home with lots going on. If he were to go back home I know I would end up having to do a lot more again, even with a full time carer living with him (which I don't think he would like!). I do have a brother but he doesn't live close by. He visits weekly and thinks Dad is fine in the home. I have also just become a grandmother and want to spend time with the baby, and my son and girlfriend. I also have my own interests to try and fit in, as well as a husband who likes to see me! I feel very torn, guilty and far too busy most of the time. I don't know what the answer is really but know I can't imagine life without my Dad. Your train analogy is spot on.</p>

<p>Hello Trish. I couldn't agree more with your blog about ageing parents. My parents were 93 and 98 respectively when they died (at home) and had bee married for 73 years. Im 74 and I'm the middle child of five, with four of us over 70 when our mum died, about five years ago, with the youngest of us being 68. However, when our dad died,nearly three years ago, all of us were over 70, with three of my parents' grandchildren in their 50s- and several great grandchildren in their 20s. Of course, like you I'm and my sister married young so were young grandparents..,..but our children invariably had our grandchildren later, in my case, in her early 30d. Although we were considered "young" grandparents, we had to juggle looking after them while still working ourselves - and of course, ensuring our parents were visited (150 miles away from us) and supported. Furthermore, my father in law had dementia and subsequently moved to residential care As you say, the difficulty was managing visits to parents as they got older, whilst supporting our own children with their childcare arrangements, given the high cost and the need today for two parents to work outside the home. Also agree that there were control issues, where one of us assumed all of the decision making and there was one of us who did very, very little to help out practically. So whil</p>

<p>Hi Tricia Your comments above really hit a nerve for me. I lost my Dad in 2020 when I was 58 -(one day he was fine the next day he wasn't and then we found out he had a brain tumour) - it was horrific, he didn't die of Covid but Covid took away all our support from family and friends and we felt very alone. Even though I was older it was terrifying. For me my Dad was always my 'go to' parent, the one I had most in common with and the one I would always turn to when things were problematic in my own life, especially work related matters. We'd chat about business and I valued his wise counsel. Now that isn't there I feel there is a huge void and I still get very upset thinking about it. I miss him terribly. However his illness and death did reconcile me and my brother as we were the only people allowed in the bubble to support mum. That reconciliation has continued after death as our focus now is on looking after Mum. While she is very active (she's 87) she is dependent on us re financial matters and she gets very lonely which is an emotional pull. We both have to find time to see her when we can and as neither of us live local that is not always easy when we both still work and have home lives. The dynamics have totally changed. It's also scary to think that you are one step nearer your own death and old age, something you never thought about previously. I guess we always think our parents are going to be around forever and it's a big jolt when they are not. Karen</p>

I am so sorry for how things have been for you as a child and as they are now. I have no advice or words of wisdom ( I wish I did ) but I just want you to know that somebody cares. Best wishes. Helen

Tricia, what an interesting subject.
I remember my mum and her siblings who were all in their seventies themselves having to take it in turns to travel for an hour to care for their elderly parents who lived until 93 and 95, there was seven of them which made it easier when taking turns, and I remember thinking I wouldn't want that for my children.
I lost my dad 6 years ago he was 78 but lived for the last 30 years in Canada, so didn't get to see him much which made it very hard to visit when he took ill.
I still have my mum who is 82 and between my siblings we try to visit as often as we can but we all have our own lives work and children too, so it is definitely a balancing act to fit it all in!
I did not initially want children of my own, as I thought I was a career woman but I am so glad I did although I had them very late in life, I had my daughter when I was 39 and my son when I was 41 I was very lucky that they were both healthy as we all know the risks involved with older mums the births were very quick too, my daughter 1 hour my son 21 minutes!
In some ways I think for me having them later was a good thing, I got to have a good career fabulous holidays and was lucky to have the help and support from a lovely husband and we have been married for 30years, and don't think I would have been ready to have them when I was younger.
I hope I will not be a burden to my children when they are my age (59) as I would not expect to be here then,I hope to see them both settled and married but on the downside I worry I may not live to see grandchildren growing up and to be here to support them.
I don't think there is a wrong or right answer to this subject, what works for one doesn't necessarily work for another, life goes on and you have to live it the best way you can.
Best regards,
TRACEY

Dear Tricia
Another excellent blog and very moving comments. My mother and mother-in-law died when I was in my early thirties. I helped my dad care for my mother during her short illness and cared for him until he died 12 years later. Some tough times with working and bringing up small children. Sometimes I feel guilty that I didn't do enough for him.
My son was sadly widowed with two young children. He does an amazing job on his own but I do what I can to help with childcare etc.Luckily we get on well which I know is not always the case. I think we do what we can for our families at difficult times.
Thank you for the 73 Questions - very interesting, and for my LFF order which arrived this week!

<p>Growing up I was always close to my parents. My dad died at 57 leaving my mam a widow at a very early age. The bond between mam and I became so much stronger because of this. My only sibling, my brother lives in Australia. My mam was a strong woman. Although losing dad was a huge loss she went on to live a busy and full life. She learned to drive at 56, worked until the doctor ordered her to stop at 70 and travelled as often as she could with friends or alone. She made sure she was in Australia for her Australian grandchildren’s births and home with me for her grandchildren here. She was a shining example of a loving, supportive, protective mother and grandmother. She supported me through my divorce, and several other trauma’s and thought nothing of jumping on a plane across the world when she was needed in Australia. She lived her life to the full and was living independently until she died 2 weeks short of her 90th birthday in January this year. Yes, for the last few years I did feel our roles were reversed and I did feel like the parent. They were hard on her as she slowly lost her independence and hard on me becoming a career. I felt like our relationship through necessity totally changed. I saw her every day, I took her shopping, I gave her lifts when she could no longer drive, and looked after all her bills and medical issues. It was s part time job alongside my full time job but I would never have had it any other way. Over the years went through so much together, but we had so many good times too. We travelled to Australia for family reunions several times and followed my daughters career in musical theatre watching so many great shows over the years. I have amazing memories and hundreds of photographs of our adventures and mo matter how hard those last few years were I never ever imagined how my life would be without her. Yes, she did have a long, full life but that is no compensation for the huge hole she has left in mine.</p>

<p>My dad was born in 1928 that makes him 951/2 and Mum in 1929 she coming up on 95, tomorrow they celebrate 70 years of marriage. My brother is 67 and single all his life but lives 2000 miles away.. my younger brother turns 60 soon and is close and i'm the only girl turning 65 in the new year a single mum of 3 for 25years with two still at home and parents who live independently in their own condo as they are not ready to move into an "old age home"... we are living from crisis to crisis.. i don't have the energy and i thought at some point my kids would leave and i'd have "me" time.. but between the house, the 'kids" the parents, still working.. i find i'm stretched to the limits...</p>

This is a topic I am struggling with at the moment. I am 78 yrs. old and my mother was 100 yrs.old in May.
She has been in a nursing home for 2yrs. For 5 yrs. before that she was living independently after my father died with help from myself and my sister. I also have two brothers who do their bit but as noted the females seem to do the most.
My mother now has virtually no memory of past life so conversation is difficult.
My sister describes it as a long goodbye as she cannot remember anything about our lives .
I find myself visiting out of duty rather than pleasure and with that comes a lot of guilt.
It has changed my outlook on growing old and I dread the thought of a failing mind and the impact it might have on my children. What is the point of being physically able when the memory has gone ?

<p>Fully agree with the points you have raised. I looked after both parents in the last years of their life. My Dad for 3 years and Mum for 6 years. She was bed bound and we had nurses coming in 3 times a day to change ,wash and dress her. She had Alzheimer’s and so did not know me or who I was. Also looked after grandchildren during days and then picking up from School and taking to dancing etc. Luckily grandchildren arrived after I lost Mum. As I was an only child I knew it was down to me. I found it really hard as I was holding down a full time job when parents were ill and also we had to move house so had to do a build and change the new house , so a lot going on! I am glad I was there for my parents, although I nearly lost my marriage as I did not give my husband any attention as I was so tired and only thought of them. I assumed he knew that I loved him and would help me out. Luckily I fought back and got him back and we are now as happy as we first were. So all ways tell your loved one you love them and please girls ask for help . Do not assume that they will know you are struggling! Having grandchildren was wonderful. We are so blessed that all 3 are healthy and well. All doing well at school and enjoying their lives. So happy that they know we are in their lives and all ways will be there for them.</p>

So agree with your analysis of this issue Tricia; for myself, my mum died suddenly aged 47 when I was 25, my dad aged 83 after a short illness when I was 55.My husband's parents 92 and 90 live some distance away, still in their own home, but his mum now has dementia. We do what we can for them, whilst also providing some weekly childcare for our 3 lovely grandchildren, 2 of whom live a significant distance away who are all under 5. Sometimes I think my mum's untimely death has made me aware for decades about being at the front of the train, and feel so very grateful that I have been granted the time and health to be with my family, and all that that entails, in a way that she sadly was not accorded. Loved reading 73 questions with Tricia by the way, you look so at home in your beautiful, refurbished flat. xx

Oh how timely your blogs are Tricia, and make my Sunday morning !

I always find they correlate with exactly what I am experiencing at the moment …

I am looking forward to reading your Vogue 73 questions section too

I would like to move somewhere smaller and streamlined, my husband doesn’t, so we have compromised and agreed to unload all the ‘stuff’ we have and get our affairs in order, as I do not want my children to have to do it

We have got new trust wills, lpa’s for both finance and health, and have indeed this weekend sorted and tossed all unnecessary paperwork and established an easy to follow guide to all our affairs for our children, an ongoing project, but one we are committed to

Part of this was establishing a letter of wishes too, which is so important

Like yourself I lost my parents when I was 42 and 48 - I felt robbed, and slightly envious of my husband who only recently lost his Mum at 100 … therefore making it probably harder for me to understand his loss in relation to my own, but understood the depth of his loss too

I too experienced sibling issues, hard not to when your family live in different countries, but my husband and my own lovely family got me through these trying times

I totally concur with point 6, what I wasn’t going to do in my retirement, was nobody’s business but Covid and helping to care for my lovely grandkids put paid to that, as it does to many retired couple’s with children and grandchildren

I wanted to do for my children, what my parents did for me, otherwise I could not have worked, and I have come to the conclusion what a worthwhile thing that was to do - I couldn’t have done anything better with my time, they need you most in the first 1-5 years, albeit you will always be there for them later too

Also, they have brought myself and my husband such joy - every single one of them. How right you were to point out how priorities can change though, as most people believe that life begins at retirement, but not always how you think it will

Your last para is particularly poignant, and says it all really X

This spoke to me so much. I am the last person in my family living except for one niece. She lives far away from me. I lost my father two years ago and still mourning him. My mother passed in 1976. I just miss him so much. I am looking at 70 in 2024. I just have so many questions but they will never be answered. Thank you for writing this.

I lost my mother eleven years ago, I was 58, she was 92. My father died at 74, and they both lived for many years in Majorca. Having ageing parents living overseas was increasingly challenging. My brother lives in Australia, so needless to say I was chief support. My mother was everything to me, so seeing the slow decline at every visit (every 4 months) was painful. She died in her flat, not alone,for which I am grateful - but I wasn't there.
My partner is now 89, there is a 20 year age gap, so I am increasingly his carer (with support from his children and some paid support). At times I resent the fact that I cannot live the life I hoped for, seeing single friends and those with same age partner's travelling freely. There is fear that even more freedoms will be eroded by my partner's needs, and I will grow old myself by the time I lose him. There is guilt in feeling this way.

Such an honest and true blog. My parents passed away when I was in my late 60s. I swayed between being resentful of being the filling in the sandwich between supporting my children and looking after my parents and appreciating having them around. The last few years of their lives were difficult as they lived on the south coast and I was in London but I went down to support them as much as I could or should I have moved down and lived with them that is the dilemma I now live with. As the years go by I miss them more than when they first passed away.

I can relate to this post. Prior to retirement both DH and me (no children) were helping my parents as my father was unwell and died aged 87. My DH had been orphaned at 14 and had spent his entire working life in the military which involved many house moves/commitments to job during our married life.
I had just retired (teacher) when my father died. We gave mum lots of support, travelling to visit/stay for long w/end's every five/six weeks and having her for holidays a few times a year. My older brother told me on the day of our fathers funeral that I could expect no help from him when it came to looking after mum.
Mum was OK for a bit, making a life for herself, then started with mild vascular dementia. At this point my husband became ill so we brought mum to us/sold her house. DH, after nearly three years of illness, died at 69. During the time I cared for him we had put mum into a nearby care home as the work involved caring for two people was wearing me out. No one in the family gave us any real support, emotional or practical, other than an occasional phone call. That support came from our ex military friends. Some lived not far away and others often rang for a chat.
My brother, and then his wife, died before my mum. My mum lived until she was 96 and died in 2016. Yet again those good ex military/ex work friends supported me during this time. My DH had two older sisters--one married, with her husband in a care home-- dementia-- and the other sister retired single, living in Canada. The older sister then became ill with cancer and both she and her husband passed away withing weeks of each other.
I've been on my own for nearly ten years. Family consists of one niece and three nephews, non live nearby. Needless to say it's my niece who keeps in touch. Her late mother was a lot older than me so the age difference isn't so great. If I didn't occasionally contact the nephews I doubt they would ask about me.
Retirement hasn't been as wonderful as I'd hoped but I'm here, alive, and make the best of what comes my way. Giving up isn't an option.

Hi Tricia, love all your blogs and vlogs! I’ve experienced it both… my father died when I was 15, and my mother died nearly 50 years later, when I was 62. Both were hard and painful and there’s no question I especially miss my mother deeply. But life goes on and to honor them, I try to be the best person I know how to be, everyday. And some days are easier at achieving that than others!!

I am the aged parent (93) and you are absolutely right, Tricia, it is the daughter (57) who takes on the "care" needed even if only occasionally.She takes me to appointments; checks my fridge and freezers and keeps an eye on me. I do not want to go into a Care Home and will only do so if I am completely immobile. I would prefer to pay for daily carers. I have two sons, one far away and one living fairly close to me but hardly ever see the latter. My daughters-in law will do anything I ask of them but I rarely do so. It is my daughter who feels responsible and I hate that. I feel it is so unfair and I have tried to make it clear that while I am mobile and compos mentis I am quite happy with my own company. She is thoughtful and so kind but I don't want her to be a nurse. My own sister took on the role of caring for both our parents in their last illnessses as I lived far away and I still feel guilty.I am fortunate . My Offspring all care for me as do their "Other Halves" but I hope my end is sudden and quick.

<p>My lovely mum passed away one Monday morning in her early 90s. I had spent the Sunday afternoon with her , just a general pop in, we had a good catch up and she said she had had a lovely day, friends and family phoned . Mum had all her facilities and lived alone and independent, she was outspoken, never judged , never a borrower or lender be, and told a good story. Loved her music, radio 2 was on from 7 am to 6 pm, often phoning in to Jeremy Vine. BUT she said she was “ ready” she was tired , she had a good life, great holidays, and no regrets. On that fateful day mum got up, washed and dressed, earrings in as always, had breakfast, made her bed, got her lunch meal out sat in her chair and departed the world. Suddenly we were no longer five generations. Mum left me a very personal letter and I have in my purse her last little shopping list , her photo is by my bed near my radio and I often just say “ oh mum, help me “</p>

<p>Thanks for a fascinating article which really resonated with me as a 62 year old with a Mum who will be 87 tomorrow and a. dad who will be 88 in October! I particularly liked the train analogy and made me think for the first time of how I’m going to feel when my parents are no longer alive. It’s only been in the last few years (following the effects of lockdowns during the pandemic) that a subtle shift has taken place with me taking on the parental role and them needing help from me rather than the other way round. My younger brother is registered disabled so I have always helped him out and now I’m doing more and more for Mum and Dad. It was upsetting for us when Dad was given a diagnosis of Alzheimer’s last year although we all knew that he was having problems with his memory ( he’s in complete denial and quite happy at the moment) but obviously that is only going to make things harder in the future. They celebrated 65 years of marriage in March and still live in the same house that they bought for £3,550 in 1962! I guess all you can do is take each day at a time and make the most of still having them both around. I’m not looking forward to being in the front carriage of the train…..</p>

Your blog totally reflects the situation I find myself in at the age of 64. Having remarried in my mid 40’s my husband and I have long planned to do all those adventures we would have done in our youth had we met earlier once we retired this year. But as you point out we find ourselves travelling 438 miles every 6 weeks to spend a week supporting my 95yr old mother who still wishes to remain living in the family home (with some support from carers) and now with the joyous news that we are to be grandparents in Dec I see our dreams of an adventure filled retirement fading rapidly. The conflict I feel between my caring & nurturing nature that has me wanting to support my mother and my son and daughter in law and my desire to spend time exploring life with my husband leaves me feeling such guilt tinged with resentment

Hi Tricia, very insightful blog as usual. My parents are both dead and both had very different deaths. Mum died very suddenly 18 years ago, no warning at all, it was a huge shock to all of us. She was 69, not old at all. My dad died 2 years ago in 2021, aged 83 mainly because of the pandemic. He was treated abominably. In hospital for 6 months from October 2020 and we couldn't visit him. I'm still angry to this day, I'm not saying he would be still with us but it would have been a lot easier on him and we would have been able to see him and speak to the drs if we'd been allowed to go in, he wouldn't have been in there for that length of time for a start. Prior to the 2nd lockdown I was running around after him and as I was the only girl out of 4 children it fell to me to deal with him.
I certainly hope my children don't have to go through what I did.

My mother died when she was 89 twelve years ago when I was 62, after two years of illness. As she was a single parent (my father having died when I was a small child) we were extremely close, and I felt she was my rock. She lived in a small bungalow nearby, and I saw her daily and cared for her with help from a live-in carer.
She was a very intelligent and kind person, who was always there for support when I needed it. I think of her every day and still miss her terribly. I wish she had been able to see her two great-grandchildren.

I lost my mother at the age of 97 in 2021. I had taken early retirement from the civil service to care for mum full time, at a time she needed me the most. It was the least I could do. She was always there for me, when my marriage of 17 years ended in divorce I turned to Mum, my son ( aged 3 at the time) and I moved in with Mum. My father had died at the age of 47 when I was 8 years old , I had older siblings, but Mum and I had always been close. Even at her age her death came as a shock, even though it was expected. We had always talked openly about everything which made it easier when planning her funeral as she had told me exactly what she wanted, no fuss and keep things simple! She was a remarkable Mother, she was my rock and my best friend and I miss her everyday. When my son and I came to live with her she saw nothing wrong in her doing the walk to school at the age of 81 to enable me to return to full time work. She was the last of a generation that I doubt we will see again. But what I would give just to have her back again.....

Oh Tricia this subject is very close to my heart. My parents became grandparents at 37 & 42 and my mother relished every moment with my boys but it didn’t stop them having a wonderful social life as my father retired at 58 but I admit to being a bit jealous at times when they couldn’t babysit. Due to a difficult divorce my sons delayed marrying till early 30’s. My first grandson was born 5mths after my mum died at 72 & we were devastated as she was very young at heart & looking forward to it. My brother & I have 5 sons between us so I felt her loss even more but my dad was never a burden. Dad was very independent at 94 cooking, cleaning gardening & driving & was everything to me always looking out for me. He had a massive personality living life & fighting to the end but we lost him over a 2 month period last October. Being 70 now it is a huge shock losing my rock, I am so glad I had him for so long & seeing him live life to the full though & I was able to nurse him at home.
I think the daughters do tend to take the care on as with my partners 93yr old mother, I think the men prefer the practical help but not in all cases. It can be difficult feeling guilty coping with their care and missing out on enjoying their own later life when some have seen their parents living life to the full when they themselves can’t or feel guilty doing so now so their are mixed blessings. I for one was very lucky with my dad & need to try & make the most of whatever years I have left but it’s so easy to just slip back into normal routines. There are always going to be winners & losers.xx

As ever a very insightful article. My Sundays wouldn’t be the same without reading your blog.
However, I shall be 75 at Christmas, hubby a bit behind, and only this week did I say to friends. My parents died at 67 and 93 and thankfully mum lived close to my sister who took the brunt of the “caring” until mum went into a home at 91. We have no family within 100miles of us. North and South. We’re healthy, independently “wealthy” and we’re fine. Fortunately we have a loving son, his wife and 2 adorable granddaughters, who live in central London. 2.5 hrs away from us in Warwickshire. So our good friends are our “family” and though they would help us in any way if needed, we hope never to have to call on them except in an emergency. We try to keep as fit and sociably active as we can in the hope that we never need to call upon anyone.

What a good blog today Tricia, thank you! I am 69 now and lost both parents aged 86 dad, and 94 mum quite a few years ago, after helping to look after them with my eldest sister! There were six of us and I am the youngest born when my mother was 45!
Then it was left to me to look after my handicapped sister of 9 years my senior until she went into a home , then my duties were to look after my eldest sister 21 years my senior until she sadly died New Year’s Eve aged 89! Luckily my two eldest brothers have children to look after them and my brother 2 years older than me has still good health but is single and I am next of kin!
Some people think large families are a blessing! I love them all but the 3 boys do not talk to each other but still talk to me and it can sometimes be very hard work! I had a boy and a girl who only in the last 7 years have given me 4 grandsons, 3 to 7! Of course nanny duties are asked all the time! I think they forget I am 69 and still work 2 days a week which is important to me! I don’t really have time to do things I like to do and as hubby had half a lung removed last year he can’t walk far!
Sorry for the rant, I feel so much better and LOVE my friendly Super Troupers who let me escape every day! Otherwise I really shouldn’t moan!!

You haven’t mentioned where the aging parents are not and were not, kind and caring parents yet expect you to care kindly for them when you are meant to be finally enjoying retirement with your partner. I have no children so won’t be a burden to them. I have parents who are miserable and who like to spread their misery, who have pitted me and my sister against each other our whole lives - and we have only now, in our late 50s/early 60s, been able to reconcile and unite - although she lives on the other side of the world so the bulk of responsibility lies with me. I feel resentful towards them when they expect so much from me yet gave so little to me as a child and were cruel too. The mix of feelings of sadness and guilt and anger are affecting my own mental health. I have a very supportive husband - who will be 70 next year and my worry is that we are losing ‘our time’ because of them. I don’t know what the answer is, just wanted to ‘vent’.

I so agree with you Tricia - and it's not just parents. I have a husband who is only 9 years older than me. He won't move from a property that is too big both in size and financial needs and will not contemplate parting with anything - despite it not being used or even looked at for years. I am all for future proofing so that when my time comes my family are not left with 'stuff' to sort out and clear so they can focus on the task of moving on and adjusting to there being no 'buffer'
Thank you for such an insightful read

I lost my Dad, my hero when he was 58, I was 23. It was too soon. I wish I had asked many questions, which still remained unanswered. My Mum was 49 when he passed, still young. We lost her just after her 80th birthday. I still didn't ask her the questions that I didn't ask my Dad, as I didn't want to intrude... Now I don't have the answers... I've grown up with my daughters who are now 54 and 51... I have five fabulous grandchildren aged 31-14 and seven really amazing great grandchildren aged 10 down to 1... I have a wonderful relationship with them all. Feeling blessed x

My father, who was 17 years older than my mother, died in 1987 when he was 84, after a heart attack which he survived for 10 days. He had been fit and active and I had no sense that 84 was old. I was 37 at the time, my sister 35. He was fortunate that he had the death he had, and so were we.

My mother died in 2018, she was 97, I was 66, my sister 64. Mum had lived independently until she was 91, then we shared her care, and she moved between our homes. My sister was a nurse, I had already taken early retirement, and we did the care between us, without outside help. In 2015, when we could no longer physically lift her when she fell, she went to a nearby nursing home, where she had good and loving care, and one of us visited every day for the next three years. The last few months were very stressful, she was bedridden, increasingly confused, and there was further stress as my brother-in-law was very ill at one point. There were issues, my sister and I did not always agree about what to do, particularly when we were looking after her at home, less so in the nursing home. I am single, my sister is married, her children live far away. We have never really worked these differences out, and I don’t know that we ever will, on the surface, we paddle along, and get along, but there are lines we don’t cross. We both pulled our weight, it was never about that, but we did not always agree about what was best.

It was a relief when my mother died, she was ready to go and we were ready to let her. I would not wish those last months on anyone, and I do not want them for myself. A healthy life is what we should aspire to, not a long one. I’m very aware that I will not have children to support me, to navigate me through the care system and to advocate for me, extreme old age is a scary place to be on your own.

Truly, however, it was a privilege to be able to do what we did. She was loving and lovable and much loved, she always knew us, and she and I laughed together every day, until those last months. She was my favourite person, great company and my greatest support. I do not miss her, partly because death was a welcome release, but also because I continue to feel her presence every day rather than her absence. I talk about her in my general conversation nearly every day, she was interested in everything and she was very funny. I never think of her without smiling or laughing. This is the greatest gift she gave me. My mother will never be gone while I’m still here.

My parents were alive until I was well into my sixties. Mother died at 89 when I was 68 and I found my children then started to treat me as old. My daughter especially treats me as if I am incapable of hosting a family gathering (I am a decent cook, she hates cooking) and changes all my plans. My mother used to an, albeit with a smile, that I was a bully. Now I know what she means!

I am 72, divorced and now single with both my parents still alive my dad coming up to 96 and my mum is 94 and I’m their main carer. My brother and I agreed we wanted to keep them in Their own home for as long as possible but my brother lives in Hungary with his new young family, although agreeing to support me fully if I took on the job of looking after them I’m lucky if he picks up the phone to me once in six months! Unfortunately this makes me resentful……

My daughter is with a partner but does not have children of her own and at 47 is unlikely to have any now but her partner has three children who they see at least once a month so I’m not torn between caring for grandchildren and ageing parents.

I’m just am scared of missing my chance to travel and do things I want to in my life, and when my parents do pass I might not be fit enough to do the things I want to do

I constantly beat myself up at about being resentful but unfortunately my mum in particular is very demanding and whatever you do is never good enough.

As ever Tricia, you have the knack of going to the heart of the matter. As an only child who lived within ten minutes of both my parents and in-laws my 50s and early 60s were bound by helping as they grew older in addition to working. They all lived to their 70s and in my father’s case 90s. It is bitter sweet as the parenting roles change and you realise your parents no longer know the answers to everything! and maybe slowing losing touch with the world. My father passed away just as his first great grandchild was born. Now in my 70s I feel, as you say, I am the engine in front of the carriages which can be quite daunting and I often compare how I am feeling about my family now and whether my parents, particularly my mother, would have felt at the same age. With hindsight, I regret that I was so unaware at times of how she would have been concerned and worried about me, as any mother would, and now I find myself standing in her shoes watching my daughter navigate her way as her daughters grow up. Fortunately, I think we have strong genes to draw on.

I don't have any personal insight to offer. However an observation after visiting a friend in care home recently. Along with another friend who was doing the visit with me, we noticed just how many more ladies were resident than men. We concluded that ladies care for their poorly/infirm/elderly male partners for longer in their own homes than perhaps men care for their ladies. This fewer men residents !

On a beauty note, could you consider making the wand of the mascara longer please ? It can be awkward at times using it both eyes either hand and crossing over, if you see what I mean. Thanks Ann

Tricia your blog has really resonated with me this weekend! Tomorrow will be my 65th birthday and I still have both my parents living in their own home at the age of 91. My Father is the frailer of the two but still fighting against moving from the 3bed family home to a retirement apartment which would make my Mother's life so much easier. As with so many men of his generation he doesn't do a lot around the home so many things fall to Mum. With my support she is still running the home but would love to move closer to me and have a social life outside the home and firmly believes this is the time for a move. So I very much feel that I am now the 'parent' and they are the 'children' helping out where I can but allowing them to do what they still can for themselves. As an only child I certainly don't resent them needing my help but it would be nice ta have someone to share the load with and discuss the best way forward. So I look at my son ( in his 30s also an only child)and think that the situation will inevitably repeat itself in the years to come. Conversely my partner also in his sixties lost his parents at an early age some 20 years ago. His take is a different dilemma - would he have preferred to have had another 20 years with his parents or have 'escaped' the situation I now find myself in ? Life isn't easy for any of us! Thank you Tricia for describing my own feelings so accurately.

Dear Tricia,
Thank you for raising this topic and mentioning the many issues which different families experience.l lost both of my parents within nine months of each other when I was 57. My father died first, aged 83, of sepsis after a supposedly simple operation. On the day he died my mother was told that although the treatment she had had for ovarian cancer had been successful, she now had stomach cancer. I am an only child and my parents had always been my rocks. Between their deaths my first grandchild was born, my son’s daughter. She was the light that got me through the worst experience of my life and I have always called her my little star. I had no brothers or sisters with whom to share the pain of their deaths but am eternally grateful for the bond my parents and I had.
Maureen McCarthy

Hi Tricia
What a thoughtful article.
I lost my parents when I was 51 (my Dad @81) and at 57 (Mum @ 86) . Not really old if young but traumatic as losing a parent always is.
It was complicated by losing my only sibling who was 2 years younger than me at 56 -he was 54. This is the loss of your childhood companion where you saw eye to eye or not. They are the custodian & memory box for your shared childhood.
After my father died my mother was bereft as they had been married for over 60 years. She was grieving which was complicated by depression & later the onset of dementia.
I threw myself into making her as comfortable as possible as I’d promised Dad. My brother was the Apple of my mum’s eye which meant he didn’t have to do a lot to get the ‘lions share’ of compliments & attention.
It was like we were children again - me having to manage it all & him doing the bear minimum.
It nearly cost me my marriage & definitely strained my relationship with my 2 then, teenage kids. I was stretched 3 ways, daughter, mother & wife.
My grandparents died when in their 60s so I had no idea how looking after an older parent strained the substance of my very being - neither did my mum but she didn’t seem to care much about it!
It was the hardest thing I have ever done & post therapy, I know I did the best that I could.
I also knew that I never want to behave to my kids the way my mother did to me in her last years.
I think she gave up on me, her grandchildren (my brother had no kids) & our family when my brother died suddenly. It was as if she had no reason to carry on - we were not ‘enough’.
I organised her funeral & all her effects etc never believing that I would have to do this alone.
My husband has been wonderful.
The lessons learned are to enjoy each day as it comes, above all be kind & practically - get your house in order - wills, LPAs etc so things are as clear as they can be for your own family when it is your time!
I hope that my husband and I will live active lives & be mindful of our behaviour and choices.
We need more articles about this sandwich generation - thank you for bringing it up.

I was 60 when my Mum died a week after I had retired. Our plans for retirement had to be put on hold to support my Dad who lived another eight years, by which time I wasn’t so far off 70. Within two months of his death our daughter developed serious mental health issues which are still continuing although not to such a great extent as before. She had to come and live with us which caused a breakdown of her marriage leading to divorce. Now, although no longer part of the ‘sandwich generation’, we are still carers for our daughter so we have had to adapt our dreams for retirement once again. I am not looking for sympathy as our lives are happy as they are, but just to show that you never know quite what to expect at any stage in life.

In my experience of an elderly mother who live in an annexe attached to our house, purpose built for her, is that there comes a time when the mind loses its way. My mother had MD so her sight was almost gone which made it difficult for her to spend her time doing anything much. She also became very argumentative which made my life difficult. In the end she went into a home for the partially sighted/blind, but didn't enjoy it at all. I felt guilty but couldn't cope with the arguments and the difficulty of dealing with her. She eventually developed dementia, and eventually died two years later.

If she had passed away before going into the home, she would have saved the decline of her mind and could have died more peacefully without losing her mental powers.

Spot on! As a daughter in her late 60's with a nearly 98-year old widowed mother (of seriously independent mind, still living in her own home), all your points raised are pertinent. My other roles being a wife and running my own business are also factors in my day to day life, and there comes a time when the superwoman outfit begins to loose it's stretch ....... #TiredDaughter